Tuesday, February 9, 2010

coming soon. . .

. . .to an etsy near you.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

"If it's the ultimate game, how come they're playing it again next year?"

It's that time of year kids: Superbowl. A time of junk food overdoses where television ads are treated like cinematic masterpieces. I've already read several opinions on how this year's game will all go down, but quite frankly, I really don't care. I'm a Bears fan.

Therefore, I don't give one hot damn how this game plays out so long as, when it's all said and done, the Colts lose. Yep, I'm voting Saints all the way. Before you even so much as think about it, let me explain.

I dislike Peyton Manning. It's not because he's won and I think someone else deserves a shot. It's not because he's a lilty-voiced uber-dork. It's not because he's sold his sole to Oreos [I actually enjoy those commercials quite a lot, though Eli is clearly funnier simply because he seems so surprised by the fact that he is, in fact, speaking.]

It is because he looks like a fucking alien.


Just check this shit out! His head, for one, is enormous. Not to mention how bulbous it looks. Next, we see that there is no clear distinction, in terms of size or shape, between his head and neck. Is his neck enormous or are his jowls swollen? Is he part of a race of giant chipmunk people?

But wait, there's more. In fact, I'm just getting to the best part.

HE HAS NO SHOULDERS!!! His neck just slowly tapers off and becomes his arms without any indication of a joint connecting them.

See, this is how he has gone undetected for so long. The people on his planet, or as they shall henceforth be known in this blog, The People of the Deficient Shoulders [POTDS] sent him here to infiltrate our kind but he knew people would spot his definitionless upper extremities almost instantly. So he did the only thing he could: become an NFL quarterback. Guaranteed lifetime supply of shoulder pads. It's genius really.

But he didn't fool everyone. The truth was out there all along, I'm just the only one willing to see it.

So this year, as you watch the Superbowl, remember what it feels like not to be part of a race enslaved by shoulder-less aliens because if the Colts win, no one can be certain that isn't what we're headed for.

We'll have to do all their heavy lifting. Just sayin'. . .